We all want something more for ourselves but few of us ever go onto realise it. We know what we’re capable of, what value we bring to the table. We just wish others could see it. It’s as if we believe that if others could just see what we inherently see within ourselves then we could realise our true potential without any effort at all. After all, if someone else can see it then it must truly exist, right?

 All too often this is how we approach a new relationship, especially fresh from a separation or divorce. Hoping that someone else will see the good in us, see what we’re capable of and the value we possess. They’ll see us for our true potential and inspire us to be a better version of ourselves. What we’re really doing however, is relying on external validation to mask our own insecurities. We’re playing victim to those insecurities and expecting someone else to ride in as the hero and save us from our own circumstances. Validating we’re ok as we are, and we don’t need to do any work on heeling and improving ourselves from the previous failed relationship.

No One’s Coming to Save You

I was no different when my relationship ended. I wasn’t the problem; I was the victim. But as the dust settled and time went on after my separation, I realised that I was far from the man I was when I entered that relationship, and I was far from the man I wanted to be now that the relationship was over. No one was coming to save me from my current situation and laying blame at the feet of someone else for any perceived wrongdoing and playing victim the failed relationship was also not going to change my circumstances. The future from this point on was entirely up to me. I’d have no one else to blame but myself for the situation I was in if I wasn’t willing to do what was needed to change it.

It’s important that as you heel from the grief and loss of separation or divorce that you don’t let the past define you. Sure, it’s painful and it will take time to process the emotions of what you’re going through. But you can’t create a new future in a present blamed on the past. Don’t give agency to someone or something else through negative emotion and self-talk. Constantly blaming your present situation on past events, how someone treated you, or because the relationship didn’t work out, removes any agency you have over controlling what future you give yourself. Take control of your own life and don’t blame others.

A New Identity Awaits

By taking back agency over your own life you get to choose your future and not have it determined and dictated to you by the past. This can be an exciting and inspiring realisation as you start to take back control of your future. This is a good time to ask yourself, who will you be at the end of this? By asking this question you get to create an aspirational identity for yourself to aim at. You no longer want to be the person you were during or at the end of the relationship and so, you get to create a whole new version of yourself. A new identity. With that will come new relationships. Relationships that look and feel totally different to any of the relationships you had in the past because you’ll be different.

Nobody wants to be stuck. Ruminating about the past and dragging resentment into the future. Blaming previous relationships for where you are today and wondering why you can’t move forward. That’s suffering, and no one wants to suffer. Accept where you are without blaming the past and decide to make a change. Take back agency over your life and choose a future independent of the past. Ask yourself who you want to be at the end of this, then start moving towards that new identity today!