What happens when a long-term relationship or marriage ends in separation or divorce? Is it ok to find yourself single again? Or should we be looking to rush into a new relationship with someone else as quickly as possible? I mean, we all want to fit in, right? So, when we find ourselves single again and all our friends and family are partnered, it can be easy to feel out of place very quickly.

Let’s face it, society isn’t exactly set up to promote or encourage single life. It can be difficult to feel comfortable in social settings that always seem to be geared towards couples. Negative stereo types suggest single people are sad and lonely. They’re defective and have something wrong with them, that’s why they can’t find a partner. Over time you start to feel lonely and isolated. What does it say about you being single in your late 30’s, 40’s or even 50’s when everyone around you seems to still be married or with a partner?

• Are you a failure?
• Not good enough for someone to want to spend their life with?
• Not capable of finding someone else?

All that said, it can be easy to find yourself wanting to jump into a new relationship as quickly as possible. But should you?

The Voice Inside: Self-Doubt and Social Pressure

I remember grappling with these very questions and if it was ok to be single again when I first separated from my long-term partner. It certainly wasn’t the situation I wanted to find myself in. But it did get me thinking. Was I asking these questions based on how I thought others were viewing me? Or how I was viewing myself? No one was telling me I was a failure, or I wasn’t good enough, or I’d never meet anyone else. This was all in my head and I was engaging in negative self-talk. Consumed with self-doubt and limiting beliefs, I was holding myself back from building the life I wanted post separation. Now wasn’t the time to be looking for a new relationship with someone else. It was the time to be working on and improving the relationship I had with myself.

The period after a breakup is a good time to reflect on your thoughts, emotions and to better understand yourself. It’s normal to feel mixed emotions including sadness, anger, frustration and at times, even relief. But as you start to come to terms with the loss of the relationship, it is also a good time to start to reflect on your life and the relationship you have with yourself by asking, what do you want your life to look like going forward? What did you learn about yourself during your last relationship and how can you now live differently to better align with what you want your life to look like in the future.

Reclaiming Yourself: Reflection, Values, and Self-Care

Reflect on your past prior to the relationship and the things you valued in life and what made you happy. Re-evaluate your priorities and what’s important to you. What do you want from life or a future relationship? Are you living life aligned with those values or do you need to make some changes? Now is a good time to explore new interests and discover new passions.

Self-care is another important area to focus on after a breakup. Chances are, like most people, you let yourself go a little during the relationship. You’re no longer in the physical and mental condition you once were or would like to be. It’s important to not only get back to eating healthy, exercising regularly, sleeping well and keeping hydrated, but you should also look after yourself mentally and emotionally through engaging in activities and hobbies that you enjoy. Feed your passions and give yourself things to look forward to throughout the days, weeks and months.

Build yourself a supportive network and social circle by surrounding yourself with family and old friends. Use the re-engagement of old hobbies or the discovery of new ones to form new friendships. Limit contact with negative people or those who don’t make you feel good about yourself, put you down or otherwise detract from the positivity and excitement you’re trying to create in your new life.

The Work That Changes Everything

Working on the relationship with yourself is not easy. It’s hard and requires a lot of work. But without a willingness to work on this relationship first, you’ll only repeat the same old patterns and wonder why nothing has changed. It’s because you’ve done nothing to work on yourself. Sure, that new relationship with someone else will feel amazing at first, but after a while you’ll settle into the same old behavior, same old patterns and it will start to feel all too familiar, just with a different person. That is, until you start working on changing things about yourself first.

There is no better time for this than after a separation or divorce. It’s a time where you can reflect on the past and get to work on creating a new and exciting future for yourself. Accept the challenge and ask yourself, who will you become at the end of this? Then make the change and become the best possible version of yourself. Your next relationship with someone new will be all the better for it!